Build-A-Bear Workshop Needs More Smells
a jane scab marketing pitch
Last week, I published what I believed to be a deeply mediocre humor essay about how I thought weed dispensaries are kind of uncool. I expected said essay to be read exclusively by the same twenty or so freaks that read everything else I post, but, for mysterious algorithmic reasons that remain entirely unclear to me, it instead became far and away my most popular essay to date, with an astounding (to me, anyway) 4,041 views as of this post’s publication. I consider myself to be a comedy writer, but the comments section of that essay filled up very quickly with people who took my views extremely seriously, which I find incredibly flattering. I am proud to announce that I am officially a Serious Author, and I am determined to use my newfound internet microcelebrity clout to make a tangible positive change in the world. After a great deal of deliberation, I have landed on my cause: I think Build-A-Bear Workshop needs to diversify its smell options.
It has recently come to my attention that Build-A-Bear Workshop allows customers to choose a specific scent for their recently built bears and other small furry creatures. Intrigued by this exciting, futuristic possibility, I ventured onto Build-A-Bear’s website and was disappointed to discover that a mere 19 scents are available for purchase. Build-A-Bear clearly takes these scents seriously (consider the Velvet Oak scent, which lists out notes the way a perfume manufacturer would), and the company already has an adults-only line of plush toys and accessories called the After Dark collection as well as adult-centered collaborations with pop culture IP like Star Wars, Wicked, and Harry Potter, so it’s not a stretch to consider a wider variety of scent options as well. The world is a vast place with practically unlimited smells, and I feel that Build-A-Bear Workshop (“The Workshop”, if you will) is missing out on a whole bunch of marketing opportunities with their measly scent selection. I have taken the liberty of providing them with several suggestions that I believe would result in significantly more bears being built. I have also named a plush Build-A-Bear that I think best corresponds with each scent, since the fucked-up losers at The Workshop will not allow orders containing a scent but not a plush.
Star Wars
The Workshop’s collaborations with popular IP clearly are very popular, so it baffles me that they have not expanded into the smell-related market for these toys. Now, I don’t know jack fuck about Star Wars, but I have to assume that characters from a faraway science fiction-y outer space planet would smell like dirt, metal, blood, and possibly whatever a spaceship smells like. I am using Star Wars as an example here, but you could use this idea for any other IP with a Build-A-Bear toy, though, much to my dismay, it seems that not all of them are eligible to be scented. What do you mean, I can’t make the Christmas Vacation bear smell like eggnog, lingerie, and piss? Doesn’t matter. I’d pair the Star Wars scent with Baby Yoda, obviously.
My Grandma’s House
What exactly is the point of buying a plush to appeal to one’s inner child if the experience does not have a scent-based component? This scent has notes of mothballs, dust, Pond’s Hand Cream, and bacon, and I would pair it with a plush Snoopy because my grandma liked Snoopy. My grandma’s dead, so I can’t ask for her opinion on all this, but I think that after she said, “Why are you spending $44 on a stuffed animal when you don’t have a real job?”, she would probably say, “Wow, that smells like my house.” Finally, everyone in the world can experience my particular brand of nostalgia!
Profit
I am hoping that Build-A-Bear Workshop will simply be able to bottle up the smell of their corporate office for this particular scent, but if not, I have a few suggestions - namely, notes of metallic-y money smell, the sweat of a thousand minimum wage store employees, new car smell, and the cologne worn by a wealthy person. I would pair this scent with the golfing silver fox because he’s giving off the vibes of a guy who makes more in a day than I make in a year.
Fast Food Restaurant
I think this particular type of brand tie-in could be extremely lucrative for The Workshop. Of course, the scent itself will depend heavily on which chain is willing to cough up the most money to slap their name on a scent. (Somewhere like McDonald’s or Wendy’s seems like an obvious choice, but I would put my money on Raising Cane’s as a dark horse candidate, since they already have an animal mascot anyway.) Either way, expect notes of grease, fried food, pop, and a broken ice cream machine, with just a hint of a poorly cleaned restroom. Yum! I would pair this scent with this teddy bear wearing a shirt that says “Red White & Booze” because I feel like it fits his vibe.
Raw, Unadulterated Passion
The aforementioned After Dark collection has undeniably adult theming, and it puzzles me that The Workshop has not been exploring the fullest potential of its associated scents. There is certainly a market for people who would purchase a plush toy that smells of rose petals, lube, alcohol, and various bodily fluids. (Not me, but we here at serious business with jane scab have a strict policy of not yucking anyone’s consensual yum.) I would pair this scent with the sexy lion wearing a Zaddy shirt.
Quarter-Life Crisis
This scent is specifically designed for the people who purchase Build-A-Bears as one last hurrah to their childhood, a lucrative market of twenty-somethings who, honest to fucking god, do not see even the faintest glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. This scent has notes of cheap white wine, Marie Callender frozen dinners, bitter salty tears, and IKEA furniture, with just a hint of a newfound yet unmistakeable feeling that the truly carefree days of their youth are behind them. It is best paired with this deranged-looking alcoholic cat.
Cheez-Its
Build-A-Bear already produces a number of snack-related scents, like Bubblegum, Gingerbread, and Frosted Animal Cookie. Notably, all of these scents are sweet, and I think it’s high time The Workshop branches out into the savory market. Cheez-Its seem like a good first step; they have name recognition and a familiarity to the average consumer, but they retain a slightly higher level of sophistication than, say, a potato chip. While Cheez-Its themselves do not have a particularly strong scent, I think notes of artificial cheese, salt, grocery store snack aisle, and just a whiff of marijuana would get the point across just fine. I would pair this scent with the bear pictured below, mainly because it is roughly the same color as a Cheez-It.
I sincerely hope Build-A-Bear Workshop takes my suggestions into account, and, if they do, I encourage my newfound army of Scabheads to buy every single one of these products and fill their homes to the brink with stuffed animals reeking of artificial perfumes. If my suggestions are ignored, The Workshop has me and my 84 internet followers to answer to, but it won’t get to that point. I cannot think of any possible reason why they would reject my concepts. After all, I am a marketing genius, and I am very, very, serious.
a collab for nolan’s “the odyssey” that smells like wine and homoerotic undertones.
In my long running notes app I have "raising canes always has a random ass sponsorship going on" so they would 10000% collab with build a bear